Sunday, 11 January 2009

All I need

All I need is for this to be over. This horrible system of going to sleep, knowing that I will wake up to a day where it feels wasted. A day where words will be inane, laughs futile and effort pointless. I want to live a life where dialogue comes straight from a black and white classic, every action is the result of a powerful emotion and living life is about expression. I want to live in a world where people are thoughtful and not so ignorant.

I want to believe that after the exams this feeling of pointlessness will expire. Currently I feel like all I'm going to college for is to prove that I know what I know. Perhaps it's this whole revision climate but it still kills me. I tell myself "Come February this feeling will all be over" but I said that about Christmas. I'm terrified that this excuse will keep rewording itself in my head to suit the current crisis for a long time.

Mum and Amy watched The Horse Whisperer today and even though I lovingly mocked them for crying all the way through it, I felt like I wanted to cry. I wanted to drain my body of all the negative thoughts, all the depressed moods, all the harrowing realisations of late that have tangled my mind into a web of guilt and shame. But nothing happened. I've been wanting to cry for a few days now and I can't wait until I can because it kindly reassures me that I am human, I'm not insane and I can't take everything. I want to know that I'm not numb.

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