How to make a Turin Shroud

You will need:

1 large piece of cloth, roughly 2 millennia old
1 large piece of paper the same size as the cloth
1 pot of black ink
1 pot of bleach
A set of brushes

1. Cover the piece of paper with black ink, use a larger brush for a quicker covering.

2. Leave to dry.

3. When ink has dried completely, paint the negative image of the full body of your chosen person, whether this be Jesus, Stalin, David Milliband or yourself, into the ink using bleach. Make sure you have lots of bleach on the brush when you do this so that it doesn't dry out quickly on the paper.

4. Lay the large piece of cloth onto the paper. Make sure there are no creases and make sure all areas of the cloth come into contact with the paper so that all liquid outstanding on the paper is absorbed by the cloth.

5. Remove from paper and hang to dry.

6. Greatly publicise new found reliquary discovered when 'digging up your back garden'. Any publicity is good publicity, so buy a dog and say that it had cataracts until you found the shroud and overnight they miraculously disappeared. Convert one room (preferably one with 2 doors) of your house/flat into a shrine to the shroud with many candles, gold decorations and low light. Set up a one way system in your house/flat. Charge on the door for people to filter through and see it.